Cinema of the Mind

Anticipating everything and then knowing only what I need to know at the exact moment. The nights before sleep, lost in my own head, images of everything I’ve seen and done seem to pass before me like a jittery film. I’m sitting in a vacant auditorium, watching a giant screen as my life is projected upon it whizzing by in quick motion. I laugh, I cry, I cringe, I squirm in my seat, and there is no way to stop watching, really. It all just moves by so fast and I can only pick up these litte fragments of days and memories past. Sometimes, and for unknown reasons, the most insignificant images stick and then I try to make sense of them. Some strange thought from a day ago, or something I experienced recently. Could be just faces on the street, passing by – anonymous faces that are remembered as my mind plays the images over and over. Why do I think of these faces? Who are these people? I surely do not know these people; they’re just like me, walking around. All I really want to do is sleep, yet this constant barrage of thoughts and images pass unrelenting. It’s like my mind is searching for something to grasp onto, anything. It seems that I need some kind of “food for thought” and I must dwell on that for a while, even at the most inappropriate time - right before sleep. Hmmm, yeah I guess I have a lot to think about, maybe. I’ve always been somewhat of a worrier. Even as a kid, I would lay awake in bed and worry about all sorts of things, things that had nothing to do with me. Could it be that I’m just absurdly concerned with nonsensical things? Perhaps this is true. But really, I just want to sleep. In the end will all my obsessing really amount to anything? Probably not. Too much time is wasted on the internal. Need to focus on the outside and get things done. I’m only hurting myself when I lay awake and pick apart the pieces of my mind.