Nocturnal Infiltration

Okay, so maybe I mentioned once before in this blog that I wasn't going to talk about my days much, and I really won't (kind of), but the following bits of information stem from my daily functions here at my boring as shit roasting on a hot tin roof job. Hmmm, disgusting? Well, of course it is! And that's not the half of it. These trite, everyday meanderings are now starting to infiltrate my dreams. I went for so long without having my placid work environment invading my subconscious-self while I slept. It was so nice, I would dream of wonderful things, things that brought me great joy and contentment. But not anymore. I had a bad feeling that my dreams, sooner or later, were going to start reeling with the prior days, weeks, months, and years worth of meaningless workplace memories. And if it isn't bad enough that I've now started dreaming of this place, the dreams I've been having of work are distorted and really surreal. I've nothing against the absurd dream - as most dreams are - but I do have a problem with absurd and surreal workplace dreams - they just seem to fuck me up entirely in the wrong way.
So my dream last night was about me giving everyone that I work with on a normal basis some kind of disturbing nickname, or rather "classification". So without further adieu, here is a somewhat complete list of the names that I remember from my very shitty dream. I've included a little description of the person's real personality traits, just so that you know where I'm comin' from, ya know? Onward:
The Ughnaught - The fat, stubbly pig-girl that sits behind me, and does basically what I do, but somehow gets more respect. A real cunt, totally un-friendly and fucking insolent as hell.
The Cologne Warrior - One of the "almost a partner" attorneys that work here. A total douchebag for sure. Smells like he douses himself with a gallon of shitty cologne each morning before work.
Allan as "Fred" - For the longest time I thought this guy's name was Fred, I think I would even call him Fred sometimes. It wasn't until several months later that somebody corrected me and told me his name is actually Allan.
Rough Curser - One of the IT people that sit near my desk. She's usually friendly, but has a real white-trash side to her. Will often bang things around, and curse really loudly when things go awry in IT world.
Lumpy - I don't know what the hell this guy does. Just kind of mopes around the office. A big dude, who kind of just looks like a big lump.
Head Honcho - A guy who has been here for several years. Leader of the P-Noy Connection, even though he is not Filipino. Always stands above everyone else so that he looks like some kind of dictator. Likes to be heard, likes attention, is into himself quite a bit. Attitude. Dick-head.
Two Big Hawaiians - The two Hawaiian sisters. Very nice people. Nothing wrong with them at all.
Naive Talker - New, blonde girl who speaks very loudly on the phone. I can't stand it. She is kind of nice, but also a bit patronizing. Ok, I guess. Too loud and hyper though.
Mr. Potato Head - A guy named Lance who, I think, is some kind of body-builder person? Anyway, he cooks a potato in the microwave every morning when he gets in. Nice guy, but those fucking potatoes every morning, Jesus!
Mr. Sssslow - A big guy named Marcus. Moves EXTREMELY slow. Sometimes I get caught behind him in the hall and it takes me forever to get where I need to be. Fucking move it, man!
Lil' Miss Perfect - A girl named Kim who is a complete sycophant. Total goodie-goodie. Always sticks her nose into other people's business, as well as keeping it nice and brown.
Mr. Attention - A guy named Raghu, who is really a good guy, but needs to be the center of attention most of the time, talks loud, laughs loud, whatever...
Mrs. Work-Never-Ends - A woman named CKS, who seems to constantly be working, even if she is on "vacation". Always needs something that nobody can find. A real bitch most of the time. You know the type, yes?
Rob the Knob - Jesus, not enough can be said about this fucking guy. A real talker, been here forever, a "lifer" for sure. Kind of like a good-natured school yard bully, if that makes any sense. Rumor has it that he cannot be fired, due to some contract he has with the partners. He could probably sexually harass all the women in the office and still nothing would happen to him. What a fucking idiot. Oh well. He always sneaks up behind me and puts me in a choke-hold. Makes fun of my clothes and what not. You know what, fuck that retarded son-of-a-bitch. Yeah, you got it.
Miss Bliss - One of the secretary's here. Thinks her shit smells like the freshest potpourri. Always smiling, as if she's got one up on you. Fucking brown-noser (similar to Miss Perfect).
The Intimidators (aka, the P-Noy Connection) - Ok, these guys, fucking hell man, these guys are the worst. They all gather right out in front of the building and stand there in a big gang (about 15 of 'em). Some smoke, some just stare blankly at nothing (Lumpy), and some just listen to the Head Honcho spew his self-gratifying nonsense, as he stands on a ledge overlooking the whole gang. Bunch of fucking losers. I was leaving the building once on a little break, when all of a suddenI heard all of them laughing. I turned around slowly to see if they were indeed laughing at me. They were. I asked them if they had a problem. They didn't say anything, just kind of turned away rather quickly. I was prepared to fight all of them. I'm skinny, balding, have freckles, wear glasses, etc...you know, the kind of person you want to beat-up. But I don't give a flying fucking piss and semen laden shit what you think. I was going to fucking fight all those guys. Wanna take me on? Just send me a message and we'll set it up.
Eminem - Oh Lord, I fucking hate Eminem, and I hate this guy too. He looks and acts just like the white, over-hyped, rapper.
Data Freak - Randy is his name and data is his game. The DB operator who is the biggest, fattest nerd you have ever seen. I really don't like the name Randy, it's just so, well, Randy.
Mr $$$ - Dean, the main partner here. Money is on his mind and settling cases is his game. Gives us the steady paycheck, even for writing blog entries such as this. Ha!
Mr. Mopey - Phil, the other partner. Mopes around the office most of the time, occasionally stopping in front of an Jr. Attorney's office to chew him or her out very loudly so that the whole office can hear.
Hormonal Overtake - The receptionist here. Nice but overly friendly, seems she's desperate for attention of the opposite (or same?) sex. Weird.
"Man" ager - My supervisor/manager, Rae. She is, well, you know, kind of "butchy", and gets the job done in a manly kind of way. You know what I mean, yes? She is nice, however, and I don't have anything against her.


Well, that is really all I remember from my very disturbing dream. I know there is more, but I just can't recall it all right now. There are over 100 people who work here, and I don't interact with every single person. I wish I could have names for everyone, but I think I'll wait 'til this dream resumes on another night. And I hope that this 'other night' won't happen for a very long, long, long time.