A Red Head's Lament

I hate the fact that I’ve become so bitter. What happened to me? Years ago, I would just move on and ignore most everything. Nothing was ever really that much of a problem. I would just kind of wonder through life and accept things for what they are, not trying to change them -- I guess I’d just work around them. Because I knew, even in my naivety, that some things just weren’t for me, even though I was retarded and inept, unable to fully grasp really complex situations and ideas, I still knew the difference between right and wrong, who was a shithead and who was not.

You realize, of course, that I am a little lame, a little stunted, and a little shallow. Like right now, I don’t really want to write anything, I just want to go and find something to eat, and what I end up eating will be of no consequence to anything or anybody, just some more fuel for my body. I sit here at my uneventful job, waiting for the air conditioning unit to switch on and off. I listen to music, and occasionally go online to look for a new job, but everything is cast in a dark light these days; no work, bad economy, war, shitty, lame-ass, dope-dick, retarded, fanatic, ultra conservative, penis-headed, shit for brains, dickless, spineless, decay ridden, lying, cheating, stealing, job-raping, megalomaniacal, buffoonical, baboonical, pure slime ridden, selfish and pig headed president of ours, George Bush. Well, that says a mouthful, doesn’t it?

Look at me, I didn’t learn shit in high school, I was just there. In fact, I don’t even remember anything important happening during those days (maybe I really wasn’t there?) Well, who am I to say anything about anyone? I’m such a judgmental hypocrite, it really sucks, and it really does make me angry. Because I can’t even enjoy myself sometimes, even if I think I’m doing something good, the whole time I feel like a cheat, a liar, a charlatan of the new generation. But seriously, I’ve tried, and I’ve tried to think differently, and I’ve tried to act differently, regardless of how small or how inconsequential my actions were. I really have tried to see this world in a unique and sometimes humorous light. I mean, you have to just fucking laugh at things sometimes, this world is an absurd place. Like the other day, when this weird kid came up to me and asked if I had any money. This kid, he must have been around 13 years old!! In the middle of a bright Tuesday afternoon, this kid, who should have been in school for shitsakes! Asks me if I have some money?? What the fuck is the world turning into? I laughed at the kid and said, incredulously, “Why aren’t you in school??” He mumbled something incoherent and said “man” in an exhaustive kind of way, as if he was begging for money all morning.

I can’t even believe it anymore. So, yeah, I guess I am not perfect, I didn’t have perfect grades, I didn’t read all of the books that I was supposed to, I didn’t hold intelligent conversations with my peers concerning the existential meaning of our lives, I didn’t get laid in high school, I didn’t party, I didn’t have any “wild” experiences to write home about. I was boring, skinny, stupid, redheaded, retarded, socially inept and unaware of most things around me. Everyone was having a grand old time. I think back in disgust at all of those fucking jocks and cheerleaders fucking each other, drinking, and doing every drug imaginable. Man, those must have been wild times for them! Fuck them, and fuck wherever they are these days.

You know, it probably sounds like I’m whining, and maybe that is true. But I really hope I can overcome this bitterness inside me, I hope that I can contribute something good, at the very least, to the people around me. I’m not a bad guy, and I have some insightful things to say from time to time. Maybe I should go and read a book now.